After the Evil Empire went infarct , some proposed a Godforsaken
Siberian SSR be set aside as an unhappy homeland for superannuated Red
Terrorists and KGB goons. if Iraq doesn’t quite work out as unplanned,
the end game may likewise need wider regional expanses of flypaper to
divert al Qaeda wannabes from visiting terror on our shores. But where
to put it?
One way to keep wayward Islamic youth from adding to the list of
nations with nuclear bombs is to relocate them to states that have
already up and proliferated. But Pakistan is full up with Islamists,
and keeping all your bad eggs in the same basket case is a risky
proposition . We need another South Asian magnet for madrassa drop-outs
and Gitmo rejects , spacious enough to serve as an endangered species
preserve for deobandicoots , mullapedes and whatever other other
exotic post-GWOT life forms may evolve. Call it Madrassic Park.
Marxoid Naxalites have made an eyesore of Mysore's once green expanses
of elephant grass , but there is broad grazing , safely away from Madras
and madrassas alike ,
in the land of that bona fide band of Indian
terrorists, the National Socialist Council of Nagaland. if anything can
give Syrian Social Nationalists IslamoFalangistas and/or suicidal
CaliphFatalists the screaming meemies , as a matter of praxis it's the
NagaNazaxists. This may be the one place left outside of Antartica
where OBL would offer a 25 million dollar reward for his own
extradition.
The Naga nabobs are not easy-going folk like StalinoSufis or SaracenoScientologists, but hard bitten cadres whose ancestral
pastime is headhunting . So ferocious are their thank-you notes that
their Yale and Vassar applications are forwarded unopened to Post
Restante on Saint Helena. So severe is their factionalism that weapons
of mass destruction can be delivered to them with impunity, serene in
the knowledge that they will use them on each other at their next
convention, if they have one.
Their last caucus is rumored to have ended in a flurry of blowgun
darts and a mass release of kraits in the ladies room. Yet recently,
moderates have been gaining the upper hand--sources close to Ambassador
Wilson and the North Korean Consulate in Jonestown discount claims that
Nagaland has tried to obtain weapons grade Kool Aid from Guyana.
Some may argue that the Tamil Tigers might make more affable hosts
for Post-Mahdiists , but that entails a terror risk worse than an
electromagnetic pulse attack on Wall Street. A blow back into India's
offshore brokerage back rooms and American English call forwarding
centers could shatter the nation’s will to stay the course. Bin Laden
might declare victory if he torpedoed Bangalore's switchboards and sent
global cell phone set-up times soaring. So let’s start palavering with
Nagaland while there is still time to spare for recrimination. There
should be no communication problem between the Burmese borderland and
the Beltway, for while mosques abound in nearby
Bangladesh, televangelism has turned 21st century Nagaland is as
Baptist as Tennessee.
One possible intermediary is Yaqoob Qureshi of Uttar Pradesh, also known as 'The Turbanator'. Minister Qureshu demonstrated his respect for both Islamic and Naga family values by offering a $14 million reward for the head of the Danish cartoonist whose image of Mohammad wearing explosive headgear led to a global orgy of cheese beating earlier this year.