What In Creation?

Many in government still experience difficulty in politicizing Earth science, witness the failure of the The Congressional Record to memorialize the 6,000th anniversary of the Earth's creation-- 4004 BC-- AD 1997.
To bring America's  National intelligent Design Curriculum up to date,

The Seitz System Of Condensed Concordia 
...Integrates noted Revelation scholar & alchemist
.Sir Isaac Newton's Calculus, Archbishop Ussher's
..peer-reviewed addition of Begats & the Geognostic
.Magisterium of late Commonwealth Latin Secretary
.John Milton Esquire &  Doctor John Winthrop
........of  Harvard College ,  into  America's  first
.........BIBLICALLY  CORRECT .............GEOCHRONOLOGY
This postmodern miracle reduces the Tedium of Plate Tectonics by cutting the span of geological time God-fearing students need to memorize by a factor of a million !

   Copyright MMVIII                                             Russell Seitz    

..4004 B.C. Hadean Era commences with Lucifer's fall to Earth

* 4003 B.C.:             From Eden, Adam & Eve request
                                    asbestos waders to cover their shame.

    * 3984 B.C.: The first biotechnologist, Cain, patents heat resistant bacteria.

    * 3804 B.C. Lava rains on Mesopotamia for 40 days and 40 nights; Noah's Ark incinerated.

    * 3504 B.C.: Archaean copper deposits form , kick-starting Bronze Age.

    * 3104 B.C.: Tubal Cain inaugurates banded Iron Age. Sphinx starts to fossilize.

    * 3004 B.C.: Y1K  crisis averted : Gilgamesh unable to count as high as 1000.

    * 2804 B.C.: Methuselah begins to notice passage of geological time.

    * 2604 B.C.: Tired of reading graphic granite, Imhotep devises hieroglyphs.

    * 2584 B.C.: Earliest sedimentation; discovery of slate leads to stone tablets.

    * 2384 B.C.: Breathable atmosphere develops; first sermon preached.

  

  

* 2004 B.C.: Nimrod the Hunter erects  Geosyncline of Babel.

    * 1914 B.C.: Advent of diapirism; Lot's wife turned into first salt dome.

    * 1794 B.C.: Children of Ham split from Israelites ,insisting that the Burgess Shale fauna are  kosher; chowder invented.

    * 1704 B.C.: Charshumash the Hittite bitten by first vertebrate; lawyers emerge from slime.

    * 1624 B.C.:  Laboratory of the Philistines implodes as Samson attempts first high-pressure geophysics experiment.

    * 1444 B.C.: First environmental catastrophe: Pangea breaks up after Jason sows dragons teeth.

    * 1384 B.C.: China scraps compass research as Asia drifts over south magnetic pole.

   * 1314 B.C.:  On his way home from Troy ,Odysseus makes wrong turn into Tethys Ocean ; Homer writes it up.

    * 1264 B.C.: Moses  perfects hydrofracturing ; Red Sea rift opens

    * 1104 B.C.: Ezekiel see de pterodactyl 'way up in de middle ob de air.

    * 1024 B.C.: Goliath stepped on by irate Barosaurus; David takes credit

    * 794 B.C.: Jonah swallowed by Carcharas megalodon.  

    * 564 B.C.: Pythagoras publishes Air-Earth-Fire-Water phase diagram.

    * 454 B.C.: Marble deposits form in Greece; Parthenon erected.

    * 338 B.C.: Aristotle establishes Wisdom Of The Ancients by declaring quartz a water polymorph, like ice, diamond and pearls.

    * 48 B.C.: All of Gaul is divided into three parts as Corsica collides with the European Plate.

    * The Year Zero: Nothing much happened, there being none.

    * A.D. 31: Miracle of the Loaves and Ichthyosaurs.

    * A.D. 70: Paul, formerly Saul the Tarsier, develops opposable thumb and writes Epistle to the Cephalopods.

    * A.D. 404  Saint Augustine issues first critique of Intelligent Design:

    * A.D. 494: Snakes evolve and are driven out of Ireland.

* A.D. 504: Vandals  vandalize old Roman Wall of Gibraltar; Mediterranean Desert flooded.

    * A.D. 974: Leif the Unlucky's dragon ship encounters amorous Kronosaurus. All hands lost.

    * A.D. 1066: William the Conqueror invades England by riding through northern France.

     * A.D. 1215: Mega Fauna force King John to sign Magna Carta

    * A.D. 1284: Plate armor introduced ; Velociraptor hunted to extinction.

    * A.D. 1306: Medieval Warm period described by Dante in Inferno, his account of a field trip to the core-mantle boundary.

    * A.D. 1324  Golden Horde discovers gunpowder; first appearance of T.Rex on Mongol Barbecue  menu.

    * A.D. 1444: Flowering plants evolve; War of the Roses commences.

    * A.D. 1484: Leonardo da Vinci designs Archaeopteryx.

    * A.D. 1492: Panama's rise from sea thwarts Columbus's discovery of Japan.

    * A.D. 1522: Sneak asteroid attack by Hernan Cortez
                        smashes Aztec  Empire

    * A.D. 1588: Spanish Armada frustrated by

            continuing absence of English Channel

    * A.D.1614/1000 A.H.  Second Y1K panic attends Islamic Millennium as Arabic numeral copyright expires

    * A.D. 1636: Earliest primates appear; Harvard founded.

    * A.D. 1654: Barley evolves; John Milton goes blind attempting to distill malt into a justification of God's ways to man

    * A.D. 1664: A Primate of Ireland, Archbishop Ussher, successfully deduces last four out of ten digits of the age of the Earth.

    * A.D. 1678: Little Ice Age allows Spanish Inquisition to unexpectedly skate to England to burn Isaac Newton at the stake on suspicion of alchemy

    * A.D. 1754: Gibbons evolve and write The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

    * A.D. 1776: Washington routs British with mammoth cavalry charge

    *A.D.  1809: Evolution evolves. Washington Irving avers 'That the whole human species are accidentally descended from a remarkable family of monkies!'

    * A.D. 1835: Charles Darwin devoured while attempting to measure bill of Galapagos giant finch

    * A.D. 1846: First ape  born to Bishop and Lady Wilburforce.

    * A.D. 1894:  Glacial Maximum : Cecil Rhodes proposes Capetown-to-Cairo bobsled run.

    * A.D. 1914: Younger Dryas sea-level rise unleashes U-boats into the Atlantic; Holy Roman Empire wins World War I

    * A.D. 1948: Churchill proposes using ice to contain Stalin; Cold War begins.

    * A.D. 1954: Glaciers retreat from Fulda Gap; de Gaulle invades Russia.

    * A.D. 1957: Civil Rights Movement challenges Jim Cro-Magnon laws.

    * A.D. 1961: Rachel Carson links DDT to Glyptodonts' decline.

    * A.D. 1969: Last sighting of saber-toothed tiger in Central Park; Elizabeth Taylor divorces Proconsul,marries Senator Warner.

    * A.D. 1971: Andy Warhol paints Campbell Soup cans on walls of Lascaux caverns.

    * A.D. 1983: Australopithecus   wins the America's Cup.

    * A.D. 1988: Homo habilis declines nomination as Pat Robertson's running mate.

    * A.D. 1990: Last Neanderthals escape siege of Kremlin, cross Bering land bridge to found Discovery institute.

    * A.D. 1991: Saddam Hussein discovers fire; Holocene tar sands form in Kuwait.

    * A.D. 1996   Israel fails to notice Y6K crisis.

    *  1997 CE   Mercury emissions from black smokers discovered; EPA proposes continental drift ban.

    *  2000 CE   Ecological niche opened by mass extinction of Y2K consultants.

    *  2001 CE   Clash of civilizations leads to Global War On Tectonics.

    *  2002 CE   Thermophilis  given MacArthur Genius Grant  for sequencing its own DNA while trapped in amber

    *  2006 CE   Kim Jung Il nominates himself for Nobel Peace Prize, proposing nuclear winter as global warming fix

    *  2014 CE   Hadean Era recommences as Murdoch Media buys American Geophysical Union to merge its journals with existing Newscorp holdings:

 N.B.: As all dates are +/- 2.5 billion years, the author strongly advises against using this chronology for purposes of exegesis or investment. 

Beneficiaries of this time-saving innovation ought to pay for it,and are invited to  do so using  PayPal:  [email protected]  Copyright Russell Seitz 2008 all rights reserved.

 

Comments

[Permial]

Superb. My hat is off to you sir.

[David Marjanović]

See an older version here.

[David Marjanović]

Oh, *afterwards* I'm told "this blog does not allow HTML comments". Well, then, cut & paste: http://www.dinosauria.com/jdp/misc/bday.html

[Drhoz!]

*crying with laughter* Thank you so much for this - the best laugh I've had in ages

[Drhoz!]

*blinks* but i did link - right there at the top, and the people have been following that link to this

[Peter Lund]

Lief -> Leif
Gniess -> Gneiss

[Rhampton]

Thank you, Mr. Seitz.

Now I realize that a young universe is not only possible, but logically plausible.

[moondancer]

A lifetime of work trying to map the earthly genome and I stumble upon your website and here it is. My lifes been wasted on nothing. Thank a lot.
I am now going to burn my bible, get drunk, and see about getting laid.

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Really, Dr Seitz, I think you're cracking up.

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Paleomagnetic study of apparent polar wandering paths also support the theory of a super-continent. Geologists can determine the movement of continental plates by examining the orientation of magnetic minerals in rocks; when rocks are formed, they take on the magnetic properties of the Earth and indicate in which direction the poles lie relative to the rock.

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