Many in government still experience difficulty in politicizing Earth science, witness the failure of the The Congressional Record to memorialize the 6,000th
anniversary of the Earth's creation-- 4004 BC-- AD 1997.
To bring America's National intelligent Design Curriculum up to date,
The Seitz System Of Condensed Concordia
...Integrates noted Revelation scholar & alchemist
.Sir Isaac Newton's Calculus, Archbishop Ussher's
..peer-reviewed addition of Begats & the Geognostic
.Magisterium of late Commonwealth Latin Secretary
.John Milton Esquire & Doctor John Winthrop
........of Harvard College , into America's first
.........BIBLICALLY CORRECT .............GEOCHRONOLOGY
This postmodern miracle reduces the Tedium of Plate Tectonics by cutting the span of geological time God-fearing students need to memorize by a factor of a million !
Copyright MMVIII Russell Seitz
..4004 B.C. Hadean Era commences with Lucifer's fall to Earth
* 3984 B.C.: The first biotechnologist, Cain, patents heat resistant bacteria.
* 3804 B.C. Lava rains on Mesopotamia for 40 days and 40 nights; Noah's Ark incinerated.
* 3504 B.C.: Archaean copper deposits form , kick-starting Bronze Age.
* 3104 B.C.: Tubal Cain inaugurates banded Iron Age. Sphinx starts to fossilize.
* 3004 B.C.: Y1K crisis averted : Gilgamesh unable to count as high as 1000.
* 2804 B.C.: Methuselah begins to notice passage of geological time.
* 2604 B.C.: Tired of reading graphic granite, Imhotep devises hieroglyphs.
* 2584 B.C.: Earliest sedimentation; discovery of slate leads to stone tablets.
* 2384 B.C.: Breathable atmosphere develops; first sermon preached.
* 1914 B.C.: Advent of diapirism; Lot's wife turned into first salt dome.
* 1794 B.C.: Children of Ham split from Israelites ,insisting that the Burgess Shale fauna are kosher; chowder invented.
* 1704 B.C.: Charshumash the Hittite bitten by first vertebrate; lawyers emerge from slime.
* 1624 B.C.: Laboratory of the Philistines implodes as Samson attempts first high-pressure geophysics experiment.
* 1444 B.C.: First environmental catastrophe: Pangea breaks up after Jason sows dragons teeth.
* 1384 B.C.: China scraps compass research as Asia drifts over south magnetic pole.
* 1314 B.C.: On his way home from Troy ,Odysseus makes wrong turn into Tethys Ocean ; Homer writes it up.
* 1264 B.C.: Moses perfects hydrofracturing ; Red Sea rift opens
* 1104 B.C.: Ezekiel see de pterodactyl 'way up in de middle ob de air.
* 794 B.C.: Jonah swallowed by Carcharas megalodon.
* 564 B.C.: Pythagoras publishes Air-Earth-Fire-Water phase diagram.
* 454 B.C.: Marble deposits form in Greece; Parthenon erected.
* 338 B.C.: Aristotle establishes Wisdom Of The Ancients by declaring quartz a water
polymorph, like ice, diamond and pearls.
* 48 B.C.: All of Gaul is divided into three parts as Corsica collides with the European Plate.
* The Year Zero: Nothing much happened, there being none.
* A.D. 31: Miracle of the Loaves and Ichthyosaurs.
* A.D. 70: Paul, formerly Saul the Tarsier, develops opposable thumb and writes Epistle to the Cephalopods.
* A.D. 404 Saint Augustine issues first critique of Intelligent Design:
* A.D. 494: Snakes evolve and are driven out of Ireland.
* A.D. 504: Vandals vandalize old Roman Wall of Gibraltar; Mediterranean Desert flooded.
* A.D. 974: Leif the Unlucky's dragon ship encounters amorous Kronosaurus. All hands lost.
* A.D. 1066: William the Conqueror invades England by riding through northern France.
* A.D. 1215: Mega Fauna force King John to sign Magna Carta
* A.D. 1306: Medieval Warm period described by Dante in Inferno, his account of a field trip to the core-mantle boundary.
* A.D. 1324 Golden Horde discovers gunpowder; first appearance of T.Rex on Mongol Barbecue menu.
* A.D. 1444: Flowering plants evolve; War of the Roses commences.
* A.D. 1484: Leonardo da Vinci designs Archaeopteryx.
* A.D. 1492: Panama's rise from sea thwarts Columbus's discovery of Japan.
* A.D. 1588: Spanish Armada frustrated by
continuing absence of English Channel
* A.D.1614/1000 A.H. Second Y1K panic attends Islamic Millennium as Arabic numeral copyright expires
* A.D. 1636: Earliest primates appear; Harvard founded.
* A.D. 1654: Barley evolves; John Milton goes blind attempting to distill malt into a justification of God's ways to man
* A.D. 1664: A Primate of Ireland, Archbishop Ussher, successfully deduces last four out of ten digits of the age of the Earth.
* A.D. 1678: Little Ice Age allows Spanish Inquisition to unexpectedly skate to England to burn Isaac Newton at the stake on suspicion of alchemy
* A.D. 1754: Gibbons evolve and write The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
* A.D. 1776: Washington routs British with mammoth cavalry charge
*A.D. 1809: Evolution evolves. Washington Irving avers 'That the whole human species are accidentally descended from a remarkable family of monkies!'
* A.D. 1835: Charles Darwin devoured while attempting to measure bill of Galapagos giant finch
* A.D. 1846: First ape born to Bishop and Lady Wilburforce.
* A.D. 1894: Glacial Maximum : Cecil Rhodes proposes Capetown-to-Cairo bobsled run.
* A.D. 1914: Younger Dryas sea-level rise unleashes U-boats into the Atlantic; Holy Roman Empire wins World War I
* A.D. 1948: Churchill proposes using ice to contain Stalin; Cold War begins.
* A.D. 1954: Glaciers retreat from Fulda Gap; de Gaulle invades Russia.
* A.D. 1957: Civil Rights Movement challenges Jim Cro-Magnon laws.
* A.D. 1961: Rachel Carson links DDT to Glyptodonts' decline.
* A.D. 1969: Last sighting of saber-toothed tiger in Central Park; Elizabeth Taylor divorces Proconsul,marries Senator Warner.
* A.D. 1971: Andy Warhol paints Campbell Soup cans on walls of Lascaux caverns.
* A.D. 1983: Australopithecus wins the America's Cup.
* A.D. 1988: Homo habilis declines nomination as Pat Robertson's running mate.
* A.D. 1990: Last Neanderthals escape siege of Kremlin, cross Bering land bridge to found Discovery institute.
* A.D. 1991: Saddam Hussein discovers fire; Holocene tar sands form in Kuwait.
* A.D. 1996 Israel fails to notice Y6K crisis.
* 1997 CE Mercury emissions from black smokers discovered; EPA proposes continental drift ban.
* 2000 CE Ecological niche opened by mass extinction of Y2K consultants.
* 2001 CE Clash of civilizations leads to Global War On Tectonics.
* 2002 CE Thermophilis given MacArthur Genius Grant for sequencing its own DNA while trapped in amber
* 2006 CE Kim Jung Il nominates himself for Nobel Peace Prize, proposing nuclear winter as global warming fix
N.B.: As all dates are +/- 2.5 billion years, the author strongly
advises against using this chronology for purposes of exegesis or investment.
Beneficiaries of this time-saving innovation ought to pay for it,and are invited to do so using PayPal: email@example.com Copyright Russell Seitz 2008 all rights reserved.