A new wave of American Exceptionalism!
While Sam Huntington and Pobert Putnam" hunker down in the presence of diversity" and Francis Fukuyama worries about " migrants who are more sure of who they are challenging enlightenment values, " those bowling alone may encounter :
The Schwyz Guys
These descendants of Depression era arrivals from Tirol seek a quota of Hollywood roles to make up for The Untouchables slighting of Italian Swiss Colony bootleggers.
The Wyoming Dutch
Their forebears settled Pennsylvania's Wyoming Valley, only to be scalped by Delawares during the French and Indian War; now they demand the extradition of the responsible tribe from its hideout on the Cheney ranch.
The Indomitable Snowdens
Descendants of Welsh countertenors indentured to Francis Scott Key. They claim performance copyright on the National Anthem and demand reparations for centuries of skipped high notes.
Sami Get Your Gun
These Lapland clubbing and skinning folk emigrated en masse when told Americans consumed millions of Christmas seals. Their shamans demand the right to fire flintlocks up chimneys on Christmas Eve to ward off Saint Nicholas' reindeer.
The True Normande
Demand a controlling interest in Laird's Apple Jack as amends for Calvados brand theft by New Jersey orchard barons.
This IRA offshoot demands amnesty for Finnish-American bank robbers from South Boston, and apologies to the family of missing political prisoner Whitey Bulger
Foixards for the Ethical Treatment of Angevins: Albigensian-American group claims veterans benefits as hereditary enlistees in the Hundred Years War.
West Virginia Eastern Balts who picket medical museums in the nation’s Capital demanding repatriation with military honors of amputated Latvian body parts.
The Sven North Forkbearders
Claiming descent from the Geat Gatsby, these Viking-Americans maintain Long Island chardonnay proves it is part of Vinland, and want the Hamptons declared the fifth borough of Reykjavik
The Kaliningrad Kennel Klan
Association of Siberiak dog fanciers that accuses American Kennel Club show judges of blatant pro-Pomeranian bias and inability to pronounce basic commands like 'fetch' in Samoyed ; demands offending parties be sent to Tuva for remedial throat singing lessons.
Jutes for Jesus
Anabaptist group claims persecution by nativist Angles and Saxons, wants want Upper Michigan designated as Jutish national homeland and damages for Aquavit rationing during World War II.
The Krishna Mennonites
Also known as the Plains Dutch. Orissan-Americans whose Trinidad sojourn as indentured labor ended in Indianapolis due to confusing TSA regulations They want the Supreme Court to adopt saffron robes, and the right to force Ranjeeshis to commit suttee
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
Royalist faction of French Church of Scientology; practices polyandry & sacramental use of Southern Comfort. See Church of Notre Dame of the Latter Day Saints
The Frankish Liberation Front
Franconia for the Franks activists seeking US embassies in all 300 Ante-Bismarckian German principalities , and protocol changes including a 6300 gun salute for their Grand Marshall.
The Big Bend Wends
Drawl drift has rendered this group's speech unintelligible even to itself, leading to use of family bibles as cookbooks, and demands for recognition of the Modern Language Association as the provisional government of Texas.
The Bayou Travesty
Coalition of Monagesque Cajuns that claims Grace Kelly's marriage to a foreign prince or potentate invalidates the Louisiana Purchase. Seeks enfranchisement of crayfish.