DEEP TIME FOR DUMMIES

 History's Shortest Geological Column

The decade-long failure of The Congressional Record to note the 6,000th anniversary of the Earth's Creation (4004 BC-AD 1997) shows the dire need for a Geological Column that junior Senators, Congressional pages and Washington Times editors can easily master in a single session of Sunday School.

Biblically Correct Geochronology is based on the addition of  Begats by   eminent 17th century divine  Archbishop Ussher and the noted Revelation scholar &  alchemist  Sir Isaac Newton
Fulfilling an age-old dream of God-fearing  geology students, it delivers
A Million Times Less Deep Time to memorize than Isotope based methods !
Why subject America's pupils to 4,530,000,000 years of  unnecessary ennui ? Write your Congressman today to insist The Seitz System Of Condensed Concordia be made an integral part of the National  Intelligent Design curriculum.

Meanwhile, beneficiaries of this useful  innovation are invited to pay a penny per megayear  of time saved using  PayPal--contributions should be directed to mnestheus@aol.com  

 

           Deep Time For Dummies

             Copyright  2006  Russell Seitz all Rights reserved

                          23 October 4004 B.C.

    Hadean Era ends with Lucifer's fall to Earth

    * 4003 B.C.: Earth still largely molten , Adam and Eve cover their shame with asbestos waders

    * 3714 B.C.: The first biotechnologist, Cain, patents cyanobacteria.

    * 3554 B.C.: Komatiitic lava floods Earth's earliest .........................................crust ; Noah's Ark incinerated.

    * 3264 B.C.: Methuselah begins to notice passage of geological time.

    * 3124 B.C.: Archaean copper deposits form , kick-starting Bronze Age.

    * 3004 B.C.: Y1K  crisis averted : Gilgamesh unable to count as high as 1000.

    * 2844 B.C.: Tired of reading graphic granite, Imhotep devises hieroglyphs.

    * 2584 B.C.: Earliest sedimentation; discovery of slate leads to stone tablets.

    * 2444 B.C.: Tubal Cain inaugurates banded Iron Age. Sphinx starts to fossilize.

    * 2384 B.C.: Breathable atmosphere develops; first sermon preached.

    * 2004 B.C.: Nimrod the Hunter erects the Geosyncline of Babel.

    * 1914 B.C.: Advent of diapirism; Lot's wife turned into first salt dome.

    * 1794 B.C.: Children of Ham split from Israelites ,insisting that the Burgess Shale fauna are  kosher; chowder invented.

    * 1704 B.C.: Charshumash the Hittite bitten by first vertebrate; lawyers emerge from slime.

    * 1624 B.C.:  Laboratory of the Philistines implodes as Samson attempts first high-pressure geophysics experiment.

    * 1444 B.C.: First environmental catastrophe: Pangea breaks up after Jason sows dragons teeth.

    * 1384 B.C.: China scraps compass research as Asia drifts over south magnetic pole.

   * 1314 B.C.:  On his way home from Troy ,Odysseus makes wrong turn into Tethys Ocean ; Homer writes it up.

    * 1264 B.C.: Moses  perfects hydrofracturing ; Red Sea rift opens

    * 1104 B.C.: Ezekiel see de pterodactyl 'way up in de middle ob de air.

    * 1024 B.C.: Goliath stepped on by irate Barosaurus; David takes credit.

    * 794 B.C.: Jonah swallowed by Carcharas megalodon.  

    * 564 B.C.: Pythagoras publishes Air-Earth-Fire-Water phase diagram.

    * 454 B.C.: Marble deposits form in Greece; Parthenon erected.

    * 338 B.C.: Aristotle declares quartz just another water polymorph , like ice,diamond and pearls.

    * 48 B.C.: All of Gaul is divided into three parts as Corsica collides with the European Plate.

    * The Year Zero: Nothing much happened, there being none.

    * A.D. 31: Miracle of the Loaves and Ichthyosaurs.

    * A.D. 70: Paul, formerly Saul the Tarsier, develops opposable thumb and writes Epistle to the Cephalopods.

    * A.D. 344: Attila the Hun vanquished as Romans breach Gibraltar escarpment, flooding the Mediterranean Desert.

    * A.D. 494: Snakes evolve and are driven out of Ireland.

    * A.D. 974: Leif the Unlucky lost with all hands when his dragon ship is spotted by an amorous Kronosaurus.

    * A.D. 1066: William the Conqueror invades England by riding through northern France.

    * A.D. 1104:  Evolution of  hot-blooded mammals warms Earth, driving Green dinosaurs to distraction

   * A.D. 1215: Mega Fauna force King John to sign Magna Carta

    * A.D. 1284: Plate armor introduced ; Velociraptor hunted to extinction.

    * A.D. 1306: Dante describes Medieval Warm period in Inferno, his account of a field trip to the core-mantle boundary.

    * A.D. 1324  T.Rex becomes popular Mongol Barbecue  item after Golden Horde discovers gunpowder.

    * A.D. 1444: Flowering plants appear; War of the Roses commences.

    * A.D. 1484: Leonardo da Vinci designs Archaeopteryx.

    * A.D. 1492: Panama's rise from sea thwarts Columbus's discovery of Japan.

A.D. 1522: Sneak asteroid attack by Hernan Cortez smashes Aztec Empire

    * A.D. 1588: Spanish Armada frustrated by continuing absence of English Channel.

    * A.D.1615  Another Y1K panic as Arabic numeral copyright expires on Islamic MIllennium

    * A.D. 1636: Earliest primates appear; Harvard founded.

    * A.D. 1654: John Milton invents malt whiskey, but goes blind in a mistaken attempt to use it to justify God's ways to man.

    * A.D. 1664: A Primate of Ireland, Archbishop Ussher, successfully deduces last four out of ten digits of the age of the Earth.

    * A.D. 1688: Little Ice Age allows Spanish Inquisition to unexpectedly skate to England to burn Isaac Newton at the stake on suspicion of alchemy

    * A.D. 1754: Gibbons evolve and write The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

    * A.D. 1776: Washington routs British with mammoth cavalry charge

    * A.D. 1835: Charles Darwin devoured while attempting to measure bill of Galapagos giant finch

    * A.D. 1846: First ape  born to Bishop and Lady Wilburforce.

    * A.D. 1894:  Glacial Maximum : Cecil Rhodes proposes Capetown-to-Cairo bobsled run.

    * A.D. 1914: Younger Dryas sea-level rise unleashes U-boats into the Atlantic; Holy Roman Empire wins World War I

    * A.D. 1948: Churchill proposes using ice to contain Stalin; Cold War begins.

    * A.D. 1954: Glaciers retreat from Fulda Gap; de Gaulle invades Russia.

    * A.D. 1957: Civil Rights Movement challenges Jim Cro-Magnon laws.

    * A.D. 1961: Rachel Carson links DDT to Glyptodonts' decline.

    * A.D. 1969: Last sighting of saber-toothed tiger in Central Park; Elizabeth Taylor divorces Proconsul,marries Senator Warner.

    * A.D. 1971: Andy Warhol paints Campbell Soup cans on walls of Lascaux caverns.

 

* A.D. 1983: Australopithecus

              wins the America's Cup.

 

    * A.D. 1988: Homo habilis declines nomination as Pat Robertson's running mate.

    * A.D. 1990: Last Neanderthals escape siege of Kremlin, cross Bering land bridge to found Discovery institute.

    * A.D. 1991: Saddam Hussein discovers fire; Holocene tar sands form in Kuwait.

    * A.D. 1992  Onset of Holocene Climatic Optimum ruins Al Gore's Presidential bid.

    * A.D. 1996   Israel fails to notice Y6K crisis.

    *  1997 CE   Citing black smoker emissions, the EPA bans continental drift.

    *  2000 CE   Ecological niche opened by mass extinction of Y2K consultants filled by further evolution of Al Gore

    *  2001 CE   Tectonic clash of civilizations leads to formation of Ground Zero Gneiss

    *  2002 CE   Thermophilis wins Nobel Prize for sequencing its own DNA while trapped in amber

    *  2006 CE    Kim Jung Il nominates himself for Nobel Peace prize for fighting global warming with nuclear winter tests.

    *  2007 CE    Taking no chances on ozone depletion, Congressman Waxman outlaws refrigerators.

    *  2024 CE   Honoring his Zero CO2 Emission pledge , Al Gore stops breathing  during his Inaugural address.

 N.B.: Some Authorities insist this Column should commence  on October 22, 4004 BC, but we didn't want to be late getting started.  As all  other dates are +/- 2.5 billion years, the author strongly advises against using this chronology for purposes of exegesis, carbon-14 dating or celestial navigation.  This exercise was inspired by a remark made at a meeting of the American Geophysical Union by the late Cesare Emiliani. Copyright 1996-2007 Russell Seitz

    * 2004 B.C.: Nimrod the Hunter erects the Geosyncline of Babel.

    * 1914 B.C.: Advent of diapirism; Lot's wife turned into first salt dome.

    * 1794 B.C.: Children of Ham split from Israelites ,insisting that the Burgess Shale fauna are  kosher; chowder invented.

    * 1704 B.C.: Charshumash the Hittite bitten by first vertebrate; lawyers emerge from slime.

    * 1624 B.C.:  Laboratory of the Philistines implodes as Samson attempts first high-pressure geophysics experiment.

    * 1444 B.C.: First environmental catastrophe: Pangea breaks up after Jason sows dragons teeth.

    * 1384 B.C.: China scraps compass research as Asia drifts over south magnetic pole.

   * 1314 B.C.:  On his way home from Troy ,Odysseus makes wrong turn into Tethys Ocean ; Homer writes it up.

    * 1264 B.C.: Moses  perfects hydrofracturing ; Red Sea rift opens

    * 1104 B.C.: Ezekiel see de pterodactyl 'way up in de middle ob de air.

    * 1024 B.C.: Goliath stepped on by irate Barosaurus; David takes credit.

    * 794 B.C.: Jonah swallowed by Carcharas megalodon.  

    * 564 B.C.: Pythagoras publishes Air-Earth-Fire-Water phase diagram.

    * 454 B.C.: Marble deposits form in Greece; Parthenon erected.

    * 338 B.C.: Aristotle declares quartz just another water polymorph , like ice,diamond and pearls.

    * 48 B.C.: All of Gaul is divided into three parts as Corsica collides with the European Plate.

    * The Year Zero: Nothing much happened, there being none.

    * A.D. 31: Miracle of the Loaves and Ichthyosaurs.

    * A.D. 70: Paul, formerly Saul the Tarsier, develops opposable thumb and writes Epistle to the Cephalopods.

    * A.D. 344: Attila the Hun vanquished as Romans breach Gibraltar escarpment, flooding the Mediterranean Desert.

    * A.D. 494: Snakes evolve and are driven out of Ireland.

    * A.D. 974: Leif the Unlucky lost with all hands when his dragon ship is spotted by an amorous Kronosaurus.

    * A.D. 1066: William the Conqueror invades England by riding through northern France.

    * A.D. 1104:  Evolution of  hot-blooded mammals warms Earth, driving Green dinosaurs to distraction

   * A.D. 1215: Mega Fauna force King John to sign Magna Carta

    * A.D. 1284: Plate armor introduced ; Velociraptor hunted to extinction.

    * A.D. 1306: Dante describes Medieval Warm period in Inferno, his account of a field trip to the core-mantle boundary.

    * A.D. 1324  T.Rex becomes popular Mongol Barbecue  item after Golden Horde discovers gunpowder.

    * A.D. 1444: Flowering plants appear; War of the Roses commences.

    * A.D. 1484: Leonardo da Vinci designs Archaeopteryx.

    * A.D. 1492: Panama's rise from sea thwarts Columbus's discovery of Japan.

A.D. 1522: Sneak asteroid attack by Hernan Cortez smashes Aztec Empire

    * A.D. 1588: Spanish Armada frustrated by continuing absence of English Channel.

    * A.D.1615  Another Y1K panic as Arabic numeral copyright expires on Islamic MIllennium

    * A.D. 1636: Earliest primates appear; Harvard founded.

    * A.D. 1654: John Milton invents malt whiskey, but goes blind in a mistaken attempt to use it to justify God's ways to man.

    * A.D. 1664: A Primate of Ireland, Archbishop Ussher, successfully deduces last four out of ten digits of the age of the Earth.

    * A.D. 1688: Little Ice Age allows Spanish Inquisition to unexpectedly skate to England to burn Isaac Newton at the stake on suspicion of alchemy

    * A.D. 1754: Gibbons evolve and write The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

    * A.D. 1776: Washington routs British with mammoth cavalry charge

    * A.D. 1835: Charles Darwin devoured while attempting to measure bill of Galapagos giant finch

    * A.D. 1846: First ape  born to Bishop and Lady Wilburforce.

    * A.D. 1894:  Glacial Maximum : Cecil Rhodes proposes Capetown-to-Cairo bobsled run.

    * A.D. 1914: Younger Dryas sea-level rise unleashes U-boats into the Atlantic; Holy Roman Empire wins World War I

    * A.D. 1948: Churchill proposes using ice to contain Stalin; Cold War begins.

    * A.D. 1954: Glaciers retreat from Fulda Gap; de Gaulle invades Russia.

    * A.D. 1957: Civil Rights Movement challenges Jim Cro-Magnon laws.

    * A.D. 1961: Rachel Carson links DDT to Glyptodonts' decline.

    * A.D. 1969: Last sighting of saber-toothed tiger in Central Park; Elizabeth Taylor divorces Proconsul,marries Senator Warner.

    * A.D. 1971: Andy Warhol paints Campbell Soup cans on walls of Lascaux caverns.

 

* A.D. 1983: Australopithecus

              wins the America's Cup.

 

    * A.D. 1988: Homo habilis declines nomination as Pat Robertson's running mate.

    * A.D. 1990: Last Neanderthals escape siege of Kremlin, cross Bering land bridge to found Discovery institute.

    * A.D. 1991: Saddam Hussein discovers fire; Holocene tar sands form in Kuwait.

    * A.D. 1992  Onset of Holocene Climatic Optimum ruins Al Gore's Presidential bid.

    * A.D. 1996   Israel fails to notice Y6K crisis.

    *  1997 CE   Citing black smoker emissions, the EPA bans continental drift.

    *  2000 CE   Ecological niche opened by mass extinction of Y2K consultants filled by further evolution of Al Gore

    *  2001 CE   Tectonic clash of civilizations leads to formation of Ground Zero Gneiss

    *  2002 CE   Thermophilis wins Nobel Prize for sequencing its own DNA while trapped in amber

    *  2006 CE    Kim Jung Il nominates himself for Nobel Peace prize for fighting global warming with nuclear winter tests.

    *  2007 CE    Taking no chances on ozone depletion, Congressman Waxman outlaws refrigerators.

    *  2024 CE   Honoring his Zero CO2 Emission pledge , Al Gore stops breathing  during his Inaugural address.

 N.B.: Some Authorities insist this Column should commence  on October 22, 4004 BC, but we didn't want to be late getting started.  As all  other dates are +/- 2.5 billion years, the author strongly advises against using this chronology for purposes of exegesis, carbon-14 dating or celestial navigation.  This exercise was inspired by a remark made at a meeting of the American Geophysical Union by the late Cesare Emiliani. Copyright 1996-2007 Russell Seitz

Comments

[Permial]

Superb. My hat is off to you sir.

[David Marjanović]

See an older version here.

[David Marjanović]

Oh, *afterwards* I'm told "this blog does not allow HTML comments". Well, then, cut & paste: http://www.dinosauria.com/jdp/misc/bday.html

[Drhoz!]

*crying with laughter* Thank you so much for this - the best laugh I've had in ages

[Drhoz!]

*blinks* but i did link - right there at the top, and the people have been following that link to this

[Peter Lund]

Lief -> Leif
Gniess -> Gneiss

[Rhampton]

Thank you, Mr. Seitz.

Now I realize that a young universe is not only possible, but logically plausible.