AFTER THE FALWELL
The Reverend Doctor Jerry Falwell , rumored candidate for Virginia State Climatologist , has risked catching hell-fire from The O'Reilly Factor by announcing that global warming is "Satan's attempt to redirect the church's primary focus."
Observers fear the irascible Fox commentator may construe Falwell's remark as a thinly veiled reference to convicted heretic Galileo Galilei's use of a so-called 'telescope' to foist his alarmist 'heliocentric' theories on liberal Catholic theologians.
At a Hot Sulfur Springs briefing, Satan declined comment, but his press secretary announced :
"He's not in denial--the jury's still out on global warming."
In a related development , Senate Environment and Public Works Committee staffers are seeking to subpoena the Permanent Undersecretary Of The Interior's testimony on what its ex-Chairman , Senator Inhofe , concurs with Falwell in calling "The greatest hoax of our times."
The Hadean CEO did not return calls, but his office suggested we contact his counsel of record about pending Securities and Exchange Commission charges of manipulation of brimstone emission permit markets , fraudulently franchising subterranean fire heated swimming pools in Nashville, Tennessee , and Presbyterian allegations that he figures in a K Street conspiracy to induce Congressional pages to cut Sunday school classes and fly to Scotland to play golf on the sabbath.
While Webster & Hone partners cited its prior involvement as defense counsel in a case involving Satan in declining press interviews , his accountants from Screwtape LaRouche were more forthcoming , admitting that their client's real estate interests dictate his adopting a high profile in the global warming debate.
"Although his portfolio is well amortized, our client's new tenancy rate is as climate dependent as seasonal turnover in North Beach or Aspen."
said a retired General Partner speaking on condition of anonymity in the venerable firm's asbestos paneled boardroom.
"A one degree temperature rise renders his dominion less unattractive to millions of prospective New Hampshire or North Dakota tenants, while a 100 degree day falloff motivates South Carolinians and Arizona natives to examine the offerings of his competition more closely. People tend to be choosy about making permanent moves."
"At the present rate of projected temperature rise , energy cost considerations also come into play. Past investment in combustion infrastructure limits our client's flexibility , and his firms outstanding commitment to flame quality precludes Venezuelan residual oil of the sort young Kennedy , how shall I put it , charitably lays off on low income clients in Massachusetts.
To keep Hell compliant with Infernal Protection Agency regulations dictating minimum sulfur emissions is a major combustion engineering challenge, especially since our Manhattan clients no longer provide as much fuel value as they did when trans-fats figured more prominently in regional cuisine. True, you can't be too rich to find suitable accommodation in our client's system, but you can find yourself in quite a long Co-Op queue if you're too thin."
Asked to elaborate on the combustion problem , the source noted that while traditional fuel supplies, such as whale oil and bituminous coal , were adequate for maintaining a constant 1,000 degrees above ambient temperatures at the time of Satan's last legal wrangle with the founder of Webster & Hone, a continuing global rise threatened disruption of the status quo.
"Fossil fuels and renewables are fine when it's at most 100 degrees in the shade up here, but we have a duty to our trust clients to take a multi-generational view. If it gets closer to 500 in an eon or two, not even switchgrass coke will cut he mustard- we're talking acetylene, at least, to keep up with topside temperature inflation, and if it gets to 700, hydrogen- have you any idea what that stuff costs , or how much GE wants for a silicon nitride pitchfork these days ?"
"Our client therefore has a clear interest as well as a fiduciary responsibility to minimize , not maximize global temperatures, and any talk of his trying to do the opposite by suborning canon lawyers is sheer barretry. If one of our CPA's tried that sort of buncombe, I'd call the Feds and fire him on the spot."
Rising from his wing chair, the source strode to a sideboard by the baronial fireplace roaring at the end of the room , to toy with the fused quartz ship's decanters of rum and madeira before opening what appeared to be a humidor." It's a bit early to discuss your own realty prospects. Might I interest you in a marshmallow ? "