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January 01, 2007

DEEP TIME MADE SIMPLE

 Help Adamant Ussher in the shortest

       Geological Column in History! Ussher_j_2_2

Deeply shocked at Senator Inhofe's decade-long failure to mention the 6,000th anniversary of the Earth's Creation (4004 B.C. - A.D. 1997) in The Congressional Record , Adamant is gunning for the American Association of Petroleum Geologist's Crichton Award for Creative Science with a Biblically Correct  6,000-year geological column drawing on the work of the Rt. Hon Archbishop Ussher the 17th century divine who added up all those Begats.

At the very least , it will spare Arizona park rangers having to dissimulate about the age of the Grand Canyon, which they can now state forthrightly to be between five and six years old.

God fearing geology students and liberal arts majors all demand that the AAPG switch to Biblically Correct Geochronology , because it means        A Million Times Less  Geological Time to memorize-- All of it Holocene !

 

Satanfallfromheaven_4                   What In Creation ?

             Copyright  2006  Russell Seitz all Rights reserved

                          23 October 4004 B.C.

    Hadean Era ends with Lucifer's fall to Earth

    * 4003 B.C.: Earth still largely molten , Adam and Eve cover their shame with asbestos waders

    * 3714 B.C.: The first biotechnologist, Cain, patents cyanobacteria.

    * 3554 B.C.: Komatiitic lava floods earliest crust ; Noah's Ark incinerated.

    * 3264 B.C.: Methuselah begins to notice passage of geological time.

    * 3124 B.C.: Archaean stratiform copper deposits form, kick-starting Bronze Age.

    * 3004 B.C.: Y1K  crisis averted : Gilgamesh unable to count as high as 1000.

    * 2844 B.C.: Tired of reading graphic granite, Imhotep devises hieroglyphs.

    * 2584 B.C.: Earliest sedimentation; discovery of slate leads to stone tablets.

    * 2444 B.C.: Tubal Cain inaugurates banded Iron Age. Sphinx starts to fossilize.

    * 2384 B.C.: Breathable atmosphere develops; first sermon preached.

    * 2004 B.C.: Nimrod the Hunter erects the Geosyncline of Babel. Towerofbabel

    * 1914 B.C.: Advent of diapirism; Lot's wife turned into first salt dome.

    * 1794 B.C.: Children of Ham split from Israelites ,insisting that the Burgess Shale fauna are  kosher; chowder invented.

    * 1704 B.C.: Charshumash the Hittite bitten by first vertebrate; lawyers emerge from slime.

    * 1624 B.C.:  Laboratory of the Philistines implodes as Samson attempts first high-pressure geophysics experiment.

    * 1444 B.C.: First environmental catastrophe: Pangea breaks up after Jason sows dragons teeth.

    * 1384 B.C.: China scraps compass research as Asia drifts over south magnetic pole.

   * 1314 B.C.:  On his way home from Troy ,Odysseus makes wrong turn into Tethys Ocean ; Homer writes it up.

    * 1264 B.C.: Moses  perfects hydrofracturing ; Red Sea rift opens

275pxjacopo_tintoretto_024

    * 1104 B.C.: Ezekiel see de pterodactyl 'way up in de middle ob de air.

    * 1024 B.C.: Goliath stepped on by irate Barosaurus; David takes credit.

    * 794 B.C.: Jonah swallowed by Carcharas megalodon.  

    * 564 B.C.: Pythagoras publishes Air-Earth-Fire-Water phase diagram.

    * 454 B.C.: Marble deposits form in Greece; Parthenon erected.

    * 338 B.C.: Aristotle declares quartz just another water polymorph , like ice,diamond and pearls.

    * 48 B.C.: All of Gaul is divided into three parts as Corsica collides with the European Plate.

    * The Year Zero: Nothing much happened, there being none.

    * A.D. 31: Miracle of the Loaves and Ichthyosaurs.

    * A.D. 70: Paul, formerly Saul the Tarsier, develops opposable thumb and writes Epistle to the Cephalopods.

    * A.D. 344: Attila the Hun vanquished as Romans breach Gibraltar escarpment, flooding the Mediterranean Desert.

    * A.D. 494: Snakes evolve and are driven out of Ireland.

    * A.D. 974: Leif the Unlucky lost with all hands when his dragon ship is spotted by an amorous Kronosaurus.

    * A.D. 1066: William the Conqueror invades England by riding through northern France.

Stgeorge_2

   * A.D. 1215: Mega Fauna force King John to sign Magna Carta

    * A.D. 1284: Plate armor introduced ; Velociraptor hunted to extinction.

    * A.D. 1306: Dante describes Medieval Warm period in Inferno, his account of a field trip to the core-mantle boundary.

    * A.D. 1324  T.Rex becomes popular Mongol Barbecue  item after Golden Horde discovers gunpowder.

    * A.D. 1444: Flowering plants appear; War of the Roses commences.

    * A.D. 1484: Leonardo da Vinci designs Archaeopteryx.

    * A.D. 1492: Panama's rise from sea thwarts Columbus's discovery of Japan.

A.D. 1522: Sneak asteroid attack by Hernan Cortez smashes Aztec Empire

Asteroidimpact2

    * A.D. 1588: Spanish Armada frustrated by continuing absence of English Channel.

    * A.D.1614/1000 A.H.

Y1K panic follows Islamic MIllennium as Arabic numeral copyright expires

    * A.D. 1636: Earliest primates appear; Harvard founded.

    * A.D. 1654: John Milton goes blind shortly after discovery of malt distillation enables him to justify God's ways to man.

    * A.D. 1664: A Primate of Ireland, Archbishop Ussher, successfully deduces last four out of ten digits of the age of the Earth.

    * A.D. 1678: Little Ice Age allows Spanish Inquisition to unexpectedly skate to England to burn Isaac Newton at the stake on suspicion of alchemy

    * A.D. 1754: Gibbons evolve and write The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

    * A.D. 1776: Washington routs British with mammoth cavalry chargeMinimammoth

    * A.D. 1835: Charles Darwin devoured while attempting to measure bill of Galapagos giant finch

    * A.D. 1846: First ape  born to Bishop and Lady Wilburforce.

    * A.D. 1894:  Glacial Maximum : Cecil Rhodes proposes Capetown-to-Cairo bobsled run.

    * A.D. 1914: Younger Dryas sea-level rise unleashes U-boats into the Atlantic; Holy Roman Empire wins World War I

    * A.D. 1948: Churchill proposes using ice to contain Stalin; Cold War begins.

    * A.D. 1954: Glaciers retreat from Fulda Gap; de Gaulle invades Russia.

    * A.D. 1957: Civil Rights Movement challenges Jim Cro-Magnon laws.

    * A.D. 1961: Rachel Carson links DDT to Glyptodonts' decline.

    * A.D. 1969: Last sighting of saber-toothed tiger in Central Park; Elizabeth Taylor divorces Proconsul,marries Senator Warner.

    * A.D. 1971: Andy Warhol paints Campbell Soup cans on walls of Lascaux caverns.

Ist1_1466428_deck_ape

 


* A.D. 1983: Australopithecus

              wins the America's Cup.

 

    * A.D. 1988: Homo habilis declines nomination as Pat Robertson's running mate.

    * A.D. 1990: Last Neanderthals escape siege of Kremlin, cross Bering land bridge to found Discovery institute.

    * A.D. 1991: Saddam Hussein discovers fire; Holocene tar sands form in Kuwait.

    * A.D. 1992  Onset of Holocene Climatic Optimum ruins Al Gore's Presidential bid.

    * A.D. 1996   Israel fails to notice Y6K crisis.

    *  1997 CE   Citing black smoker emissions, the EPA bans continental drift.

    *  2000 CE   Ecological niche opened by mass extinction of Y2K consultants filled by further evolution of Al Gore

    *  2001 CE   Tectonic clash of civilizations leads to formation of Ground Zero Gneiss

    *  2002 CE   Thermophilis wins Nobel Prize for sequencing its own DNA while trapped in amber

    *  2006 CE    Kim Jung Il nominates himself for Nobel Peace prize for fighting global warming with nuclear winter tests.

    *  2007 CE    Taking no chances on ozone depletion, Congressman Waxman outlaws refrigerators.

    *  2014 CE   Striving to fulfill  Zero CO2 Emission pledge , Al Gore asphyxiates on sound stage of An Inconvenient Truth v.

 N.B.: As all dates are +/- 2.5 billion years, the author strongly advises against using this chronology for purposes of exegesis, carbon-14 dating or celestial navigation.  This exercise was inspired by a remark made at a meeting of the American Geophysical Union by the late Cesare Emiliani. 

Pirated , unattributed, and altered versions of this piece seen on the Web derive from my Earth magazine Parting Shot column, "Usshering In The Millennium"  Beneficiaries of this time-saving educational  innovation are invited to use  PayPal:  mnestheus@aol.com  ,Copyright 1996-2006 Russell Seitz

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Comments

Superb. My hat is off to you sir.

See an older version here.

Oh, *afterwards* I'm told "this blog does not allow HTML comments". Well, then, cut & paste: http://www.dinosauria.com/jdp/misc/bday.html

*crying with laughter* Thank you so much for this - the best laugh I've had in ages

*blinks* but i did link - right there at the top, and the people have been following that link to this

Lief -> Leif
Gniess -> Gneiss

Thank you, Mr. Seitz.

Now I realize that a young universe is not only possible, but logically plausible.

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