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October 05, 2006

WHAT IN CREATION ?

Copyright 2006 Russell Seitz All rights reserved

 This New Year, help Adamant Ussher in 

the shortest Geological Column in History! Ussher_j_2_2

Deeply shocked by Senator Inhofe's impious failure to note the 6,000th anniversary of the Earth's Creation (4004 B.C. - A.D. 1997) in The Congressional Record , Adamant is gunning for the American Association of Petroleum Geologist's Crichton Award for Creative Science with a Biblically Correct  6,000-year geological column drawing on the work of the Rt. Rev. Archbishop Ussher the worthy 17th century divine who added up all those Begats. At the very least , it will spare Arizona park rangers asked to dissimulate about the age of the Grand Canyon. Now they can honestly say it's five going on six.

Godfearing geology students and liberal arts majors all demand that the AAPG switch to Biblically Correct Geochronology , because it means       A Million Times Less   Geological Time to memorize -- All of it Holocene !

Satanfallfromheaven_4                      23 October 4004 B.C.                                          
    The following Geochron is Copyright 2006 Russell Seitz .All rights reserved

   Hadean Era ends with Lucifer's fall to Earth

    * Some days later: Earth still molten ; Adam and Eve invent asbestos waders.

    * 3714 B.C.: The first biotechnologist, Cain, patents cyanobacteria.

    * 3554 B.C.: Komatiitic lava floods earliest crust ; Noah's Ark incinerated.

    * 3264 B.C.: Methuselah begins to notice passage of geological time.

    * 3124 B.C.: Archaean stratiform copper deposits form, kick-starting Bronze Age.

    * 3004 B.C.: Y1K crisis averted : Gilgamesh unable to count as high as 1000.

    * 2844 B.C.: Tired of reading graphic granite, Imhotep devises hieroglyphs.

    * 2584 B.C.: Earliest sedimentation; discovery of slate leads to stone tablets.

    * 2444 B.C.: Tubal Cain inaugurates banded Iron Age. Sphinx starts to fossilize.

    * 2384 B.C.: Breathable atmosphere develops; first sermon preached.

    * 2024 B.C.: Nimrod the Hunter erects the Geosyncline of Babel. Towerofbabel

    * 1914 B.C.: Advent of diapirism; Lot's wife turned into first salt dome.

    * 1794 B.C.: Children of Ham split from Israelites ,insisting that the Burgess Shale fauna are  kosher; chowder invented.

    * 1704 B.C.: Charshumash the Hittite bitten by first vertebrate; lawyers emerge from slime.

    * 1624 B.C.: Samson attempts perovskite synthesis; laboratory of the Philistines implodes.

    * 1444 B.C.: War of the Chaldean Succession  ends;Pangea broken up by the Treaty of Uruk.

    * 1384 B.C.: Shang Empire  scraps compass research  when China drifts over south magnetic pole.

   * 1344 B.C.: Odysseus runs aground on Gondwanan Riviera; Circe founds Club Teth.

    * 1264 B.C.: Moses  perfects hydrofracturing ; Red Sea rift opens

275pxjacopo_tintoretto_024

    * 1104 B.C.: Ezekiel see de pterodactyl 'way up in de middle ob de air.

    * 1024 B.C.: Goliath stepped on by irate Barosaurus; David takes credit.

    * 794 B.C.: Jonah swallowed by Carcharas megalodon.  

    * 564 B.C.: Pythagoras publishes Air-Earth-Fire-Water phase diagram.

    * 454 B.C.: Marble deposits form in Greece; Parthenon erected.

    * 338 B.C.: Aristotle establishes that quartz is just another water polymorph . like  ice,diamond and pearls.

    * 48 B.C.: All of Gaul is divided into three parts when Corsica  collides with the European Plate.

    * The Year Zero: Nothing much happened, there being none.

    * A.D. 31: Miracle of the Loaves and Ichthyosaurs.

    * A.D. 70: Paul, formerly Saul the Tarser, undergoes identity crisis on the road to Damascus and writes Epistle to the Cephalopods.

    * A.D. 344: Vanguard of Attila the Hun perishes when Romans breach Gibraltar escarpment, flooding the Mediterranean Desert.

    * A.D. 494: Snakes evolve and are driven out of Ireland.

    * A.D. 974: Lief the Unlucky is lost with all hands when his dragon ship is spotted by an amorous Kronosaurus.

    * A.D. 1066: William the Conqueror invades England by walking through northern France.

Stgeorge_2

   * A.D. 1215: Barons of England ally with a surfeit of lampreys and force King John to sign Magna Carta

    * A.D. 1304: Plate armor introduced ; Velociraptor hunted to extinction.

    * A.D. 1324  T.Rex becomes Mongol Barbecue take out item after Golden Horde discovers gunpowder.

    * A.D. 1384: Dante describes Medieval Warm period in Inferno, his account of a field trip to the core-mantle boundary.

    * A.D. 1444: Flowering plants appear; War of the Roses commences.

    * A.D. 1484: Leonardo da Vinci designs Archaeopteryx.

    * A.D. 1492: Panama's rise from sea thwarts Columbus's discovery of Japan.

A.D. 1522: Sneak asteroid attack by Hernan Cortez smashes Aztec Empire

Asteroidimpact2

    * A.D. 1588: Spanish Armada frustrated by continuing absence of English Channel.

    * A.D.1614/1000 A.H.

Y1K panic follows Islamic MIllennium as Arabic numeral copyright expires

    * A.D. 1636: Earliest primates appear; Harvard founded.

    * A.D. 1664: An English primate becomes Primate of Ireland; Archbishop Ussher successfully deduces last four out of ten digits of the age of the Earth.

    * A.D. 1688:  Not So Little Ice Age: Spanish Inquisition Iceboat Armada unexpectedly invades England to burn Isaac Newton at the stake for alchemy.

    * A.D. 1754: Gibbons evolve and write The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

    * A.D. 1776: Washington routs British with mammoth cavalry chargeMinimammoth

    * A.D. 1835: Charles Darwin discovers and is devoured by Galapagos giant finch

    * A.D. 1846: Birth of first ape to Bishop and Lady Wilburforce.

    * A.D. 1894: Awed by extent of glaciation, Cecil Rhodes proposes Capetown-to-Cairo bobsled run.

    * A.D. 1914: Younger Dryas sea-level rise unleashes U-boats into the Atlantic; Holy Roman Empire wins World War I.

    * A.D. 1948: Churchill proposes using ice to contain Stalin; Cold War begins.

    * A.D. 1954: Glaciers retreat from Fulda Gap; de Gaulle invades Russia.

    * A.D. 1957: Civil Rights Movement challenges Jim Cro-Magnon laws.

    * A.D. 1961: Rachel Carson links DDT to Glyptodonts' decline.

    * A.D. 1969: Last sighting of saber-toothed tiger in Central Park; Elizabeth Taylor divorces Proconsul,marries Senator Warner.

    * A.D. 1971: Andy Warhol paints Campbell Soup cans on walls of Lascaux caverns.

Ist1_1466428_deck_ape

 


* A.D. 1983: Australopithecus

              wins the America's Cup.

 

    * A.D. 1988: Homo habilis becomes Pat Robertson's running mate.

    * A.D. 1990: Last Neanderthals escape siege of Kremlin, cross Bering land bridge to found Discovery institute.

    * A.D. 1991: Saddam Hussein discovers fire; Holocene tar sands form in Kuwait.

    * A.D. 1992  Onset of Holocene Climatic Optimum ruins Al Gore's Presidential bid.

    * A.D. 1996   Israel fails to notice Y6K crisis.

    *  1997 CE   Citing black smoker emissions, the EPA bans continental drift.

    *  2000 CE   Ecological niche opened by mass extinction of Y2K consultants filled by further evolution of Al Gore

    *  2001 CE   Tectonic clash of civilizations leads to formation of Ground Zero Gniess

    *  2002 CE   Thermophilis wins Nobel Prize for sequencing its own DNA while trapped in amber

    *  2006 CE    Kim Jung Il nominates himself for Nobel Peace prize for efforts to fight global warming with nuclear winter tests.

    *  2007 CE    Taking no chances on ozone depletion, Congressman Waxman outlaws refrigerators.

    *  2008 CE   While trying to fulfill  Zero CO2 Emission pledge , Al Gore asphyxiates on sound stage of An Inconvenient Truth II.

 N.B.: As all dates are +/- 2.5 billion years, the author strongly advises against using this chronology for purposes of exegesis, carbon-14 dating or celestial navigation.  This exercise was inspired by a remark made at a meeting of the American Geophysical Union by the late Cesare Emiliani. Beneficiaries of this time-saving educational  innovation should send money to enable Adamant to afford a PayPal button to:  mnestheus@aol.com
Copyright 1996-2006 Russell Seitz

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