After the Evil Empire went infarct , some proposed a Godforsaken Siberian SSR be set aside as an unhappy homeland for superannuated Red Terrorists and KGB goons. if Iraq doesn’t quite work out as unplanned, the end game may likewise need wider regional expanses of flypaper to divert al Qaeda wannabes from visiting terror on our shores. But where to put it?
One way to keep wayward Islamic youth from adding to the list of nations with nuclear bombs is to relocate them to states that have already up and proliferated. But Pakistan is full up with Islamists, and keeping all your bad eggs in the same basket case is a risky proposition . We need another South Asian magnet for madrassa drop-outs and Gitmo rejects , spacious enough to serve as an endangered species preserve for deobandicoots , mullapedes and whatever other other exotic post-GWOT life forms may evolve. Call it Madrassic Park.
Marxoid Naxalites have made an eyesore of Mysore's once green expanses
of elephant grass , but there is broad grazing , safely away from Madras
and madrassas alike ,
in the land of that bona fide band of Indian
terrorists, the National Socialist Council of Nagaland. if anything can
give Syrian Social Nationalists IslamoFalangistas and/or suicidal
CaliphFatalists the screaming meemies , as a matter of praxis it's the
NagaNazaxists. This may be the one place left outside of Antartica
where OBL would offer a 25 million dollar reward for his own
The Naga nabobs are not easy-going folk like StalinoSufis or SaracenoScientologists, but hard bitten cadres whose ancestral pastime is headhunting . So ferocious are their thank-you notes that their Yale and Vassar applications are forwarded unopened to Post Restante on Saint Helena. So severe is their factionalism that weapons of mass destruction can be delivered to them with impunity, serene in the knowledge that they will use them on each other at their next convention, if they have one.
Their last caucus is rumored to have ended in a flurry of blowgun darts and a mass release of kraits in the ladies room. Yet recently, moderates have been gaining the upper hand--sources close to Ambassador Wilson and the North Korean Consulate in Jonestown discount claims that Nagaland has tried to obtain weapons grade Kool Aid from Guyana.
Some may argue that the Tamil Tigers might make more affable hosts for Post-Mahdiists , but that entails a terror risk worse than an electromagnetic pulse attack on Wall Street. A blow back into India's offshore brokerage back rooms and American English call forwarding centers could shatter the nation’s will to stay the course. Bin Laden might declare victory if he torpedoed Bangalore's switchboards and sent global cell phone set-up times soaring. So let’s start palavering with Nagaland while there is still time to spare for recrimination. There should be no communication problem between the Burmese borderland and the Beltway, for while mosques abound in nearby Bangladesh, televangelism has turned 21st century Nagaland is as Baptist as Tennessee.
One possible intermediary is Yaqoob Qureshi of Uttar Pradesh, also known as 'The Turbanator'. Minister Qureshu demonstrated his respect for both Islamic and Naga family values by offering a $14 million reward for the head of the Danish cartoonist whose image of Mohammad wearing explosive headgear led to a global orgy of cheese beating earlier this year.